The Losercorns Guide to Surviving a Zombie Invasion, Part 1

As anyone knows, one of the utmost concerns on many people’s minds is this: What do I do if a plague of zombies attacks my city tomorrow?? How will I know? How will I survive??

HAVE  NO FEAR!

We’re from the government, and we’re here to help you……..NOT! We are the Losercorns, and we rock so hard we can even help you out of this horribly unimaginable scenario. Because yes, horrible though it may be, we HAVE imagined it!

First, the most important step is to identify that zombies are indeed running amok in your city. Take a very close look at those around you, so that you may determine if they are, indeed, zombies. Here are some important zombie-identifying characteristics:

1. Total lack of facial expression, including staring, unforcused eyes. This is a good sign of zombieness. It is also a good sign of most pubescent boys, so we must move on to more definite signs.

2. Stiff limbs and an awkwardly crooked head angle. All zombies have these. So do a lot of mediocre skateboarders.

3. Pale, clammy skin. Zombies are dead. They have no circulation, therefore, their complexions are terrible. Do not confuse them with Goths. This is an important distinction.

4. Bloodstains on mouth and clothing. Zombies are very messy eaters. So are babies. If you can’t tell the difference, or the zombie IS a baby, we can’t help you. Sorry.

5. Incomprehensible groaning, moaning, and muttering of the word “brains” over and over. Someone who talks like this and makes sounds like these could be a zombie. Or your little brother.

6. Smell of rot and decay. Zombies do not bathe. They do not wear deodorant. Again, much like a lot of boys, but worse. Usually. If the boys you know are on par with zombie stench, you should probably lump them in with the zombies we’ll be learning to slay in part 2 anyway, so it’s all good.

7. Attacks on living people. If your neighbor or the girl at the Starbucks drive-though shows a sudden inclination to bite random people, they are probably a zombie. If you hang out with a lot of people who are regularly prone to random biting, you should probably move to Alaska. No, you won’t be safe there. But if the zombies do come, you’ll be so cold you might even be happy to see them.

Now that you have learned how to identify a zombie, go out there and do it! We will learn how to deal with a zombie in part 2, coming soon.

– The Losercorns

Advertisements

There are no comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: