Losercorns Guide to Surviving a Zombie Invasion, Part 2

All right. Now that you know how to identify a zombie, we’ll move on to the best way to get rid of these pesky critters.

There is something one must never forget about zombies. They do not feel pain. They do not feel. You can call a zombie mean names all day long, and it will never get its feelings hurt! Zombies are one thing, and one thing only. HUNGRY.

Zombies can only be definitely eliminated by getting rid of their brains. Dissection would probably work, but be a bit time-consuming. So, putting that on the back burner, we’ll explore the effectiveness of several weapons for dealing with zombies.

Number one, and the most preferable of all, is a 12-gauge shotgun. Excellent stopping power, and you don’t have to be within biting range to use it. We recommend Double-Ought Buckshot. Most bang for your buck. Stock up now. Don’t have access to a shotgun? Hmm. Too bad. Ok, let’s explore other options.

Number two, and a great tip you should never forget. A car or truck is a very large, securely enclosed weapon on wheels. DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR CAR TO RUN FROM ZOMBIES. People do this constantly in zombie movies. We can only shake our heads in stunned amazement at their foolishness. Driving over zombies, while it may not count as a head shot, undoubtedly lessens their ability to pursue and eat you. Again people, stay in your cars!

Chainsaws. These are undoubtedly effective, but a bit bulky. Make this your weapon of choice only if you regularly paticipate in upper-body strengthening excersizes. Also, it’s a tad messy. Hard on the dry-cleaning bill. Economic times are tough, so keep this in mind.

Baseball bats are fairly lightweight, but very sturdy. Swing away. On the downside, the zombie has to be pretty close for this to be effective, but it will do in a pinch.

Cricket bat. They seem to have these in movies. A cricket bat would probably be just as effective as a baseball bat, but who keeps one on hand? Moving on…

Sword. A swhat you say? A sword, if properly sharpened, would make a fine weapon of zombie destruction. Sadly, the ones you can buy at the mall are usually reproductions, and the moment you’re defending yourself from a horde of zombies would be a very bad moment for your Earthbound Trading Company special to snap in half at the hilt. Only rely on your sword if your grandfather was a ninja and passed it down to you.

Swiss Army knife. Oh those kooky Swiss. Neutrality won’t do them any good against a zombie invasion, and to be honest, their knives, while very nifty and useful for many things, make poor choices for zombie self-defense. Unless your zombie needs a can opened or a screw tightened or his nails trimmed, don’t rely on the Swiss.

High Explosives. Now here is an excellent choice for rendering serious smackdown on a horde of zombies (we like to say the word horde…. try it and see…. “Horde horde horde horde”. Told ya.). Blowing zombies into next Saturday would work like a charm. If you have access to high explosives such as dynamite, C4, plastique, claymore mines, or grenades, hang on to them. Just do not tell us about it, as we don’t wish to end up on the “most watched” list of a bunch of men in dark suits.

Raiding your dad’s supply of golf clubs might not be a bad idea. If he didn’t buy his clubs at Thrifty Mart, a nine-iron will do nicely in a pinch. Solid metal head, well-balanced, not too heavy. You could make worse choices.

On that note, there are a number of items we would NOT recommend as choices for zombie combat. Try to stay away from the following:

Boxing gloves. Zombies don’t box. They bite. They also are bad at following the rules of boxing. Horrible cheats, zombies.

Electric blenders also make poor choices. Cutting a zombie to pieces and turning it into salsa might work, but good luck getting it to stand still long enough.

Your little brother’s plastic lightsaber. Now don’t get us wrong. Nothing could be a better weapon than a REAL lightsaber (except maybe a real phaser), but zombie’s don’t take much notice of being bludgeoned with cheap plastic, even if it is the more expensive double-ended Darth Maul version.

Throwing stars, while shiny and cool, also make poor zombie weapons. Even if you are very good with your throwing stars, they will not stop a zombie. They will only stick to him and  make parts of him pointier.

Another bad decision would be to engage a zombie in martial arts combat, hand-to-hand. Even if you are Chuck Norris, you would feel pretty silly karate-chopping something that is ignoring you and chewing on your leg.

Search your homes. Know where your best choices for defense are stored. Develop a plan for getting to these items quickly in an emergency, and hold regular “Zombie Drills”. They may be reluctant at first, but as soon as that first zombie comes a-knockin, your family will thank you for insisting!

Stay tuned for part 3, in which we’ll explore “Waiting it Out: The Loswercorns Guide to the best Places and Methods for Hiding Until it is All Over”

-The Losercorns


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