How to Survive a Zombie Invasion, Part 3 (finally!)

Ok, so sue us. We’ve been preoccupied with global conquest and lost track of time. But, as you’ve all been waiting (no doubt with bated breath)…..hereit is!!! How to Survive a Zombie Invasion Part 3. Waiting it out!

Ok, maybe you’ve decided zombie-slaying is not your thing. Maybe the smell gets to you. Maybe there are JUST……TOO……..MANY!!! So what do you do? Do you run screaming down the road, waving your hands about in a mindless way? No. Zombies may be stupid, but this is going to get their attention eventually. Do you shut yourself up in your bedroom and cry? Well, maybe for a little while. However, unless you’re a paranoid conspiracy theorist, survival nut from Idaho, this will only last for a while. You’ll get thirsty. Hungry. Have to pee. So, we need a plan.

When waiting out a zombie invasion, there are a few key things to consider.

1. Zombies do not last forever. Once they run out of food, it’s only a matter of time.  You’ll be free and clear if you can just manage to hole up somewhere long enough.

2. While your ipod and computer may be massively important to you, the zombies couldn’t possibly care less about this. Try to take a hint from them. Think survival, not MySpace!

3. Zombies, while tireless and able to pursue someone indefinitely because they don’t sleep,  cannot climb stairs very well. Find an empty apartment with only one exterior access. Once you’re supplied, get inside, pile a bunch of junk on the stairs, and wait.

4. Just because it’s quiet outside doesn’t mean all the zombies are gone. It may take a while. Be patient. DO NOT make the classic horror movie mistake of not just peeking out, but opening the door and walking out into the middle of the road and yelling “I don’t see any more of them!!”

5. Take the following with you: As much bottled water as you can. Nonperishable food (canned, dried, boxed etc). Antibacterial wipes for personal hygeine (you can’t afford to use that much water). A first aid kit (if you cut yourself, bandage it quickly – if you are the last person in town, testing the zombies’ determination to get at you is not the best choice here). Dynamite. (this last one is optioinal, but is great for deterring zombies from attempting to climb your stairs.)

6. Ideally, the best way to keep yourself safe in your borrowed apartment is to carry in your supplies, hang a rope ladder out the window, then borrow the nearest 4-wheel-drive bubba truck you can find. Hitch it to the exterior stairs of the apartment very securely. Use a chain. Now floor it. Stairs no longer an issue. Climb up your ladder, into the window. Please do not forget to pull the ladder in after you. Do remember that in almost every zombie movie, someone remarks with great confidence that Zombies can’t do (fill in the blank here), whereupon the zombies proceed to do just that. However, nobody has ever heard of one levitating. If your zombies can fly, why are you even reading this guide?

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